The Day Voldemort Killed Harry Potter
by thespeshulkid
Summary: From resceduling his hair appointments with Pierre, to killing Harry Potter, Voldemort still has time to star in his favorite Broadway musical "Mamma Mia!"
1. Preperations and Hair Issues

**A/N- This is supposed to be stupid. Bad english in intended. :) Enjoy!**

"Voldemort, sir?"

"Whatchu want Peter Piper?"

"Its Peter Pettigrew sir."

"What do you want Pedigew?"

".....uh....You know how you sorta kinda wanna kill Harry Potter eh?"

"Yeaah?"

"Why dont you just go to Hogwarts and kill him there?"

"Because I cant apparate in there and Dumblebeard will be there, DUH" Voldemort snapped his fingers three times in a sideways V form.

"The snapping was really uncalled for sir... and what if Dumbledor---beard...?....happened to be out at a convention for magical headmasters and headmistresses?"

"Well, there is one coming up soon. Yes, lets go then! Let me just check my calender...hm...im busy at 3, dentist appointment, and at 11 in the morning for a hair appointment, guess I'll call Pierre and rescedule. He wont be happy. Well, then heres good. At 11:30, but were going to have to hurry. I have to brush my teeth EXTRA good before I go to the dentist, unless I can bring my toothbrush with me. Not toothpaste though, it might squirt out in my purse and get my stuff sticky and smelling minty. Bah humbug, I'll borrow some when Im there."

Pettigrew looked at Voldemort for the longest time and finally said, "Your bald. What would you do in a hair place, get your scalp waxed?"

Tears were forming in Voldemorts eyes, "WHY? Why do you have to crush my dreams Paulie?!?! AVADA KEDRABA!"

The spell didnt work. "Wrong word, sir."

Voldemort ran to his room sobbing and slammed it shut.

Pettigrew sighed, "Sir,"he said knocking on the door with unicorn picture plastered all over, "Im sorry. I didnt mean it! You have beatiful lucious hair! The best looking hair Ive EVER seen!"

Voldemort opened the door a crack and whimpered "You really think so?"

"No..." Peter mumbled

"What?"

"YES! Yes...yes...of course!"

Voldemort squealed like a little girl. " I know, right?"

Pettigrew sighed.


	2. Tutti Frutti and Cotton Candy

**AN- Thanks! I love reviews, even if its only 2! :D **

"Voldemort, sir... Did you have to wear your Gramamas clothes?"

Voldemort strutted down the streets wearing a pink unflattering pencil skirt, a purple blazer, and platform shoes with a coin hole in the heel. **(I saw platforms like that at the mall, they were supposed to be 'Stripper Shoes' :P)**

"What? Don't I look Faaab?" Voldemort stretched out the last word increasing the pitch as it reached an end.

"Uh, yes sir. Your very...pretty..." Pettigrew replied, disgust obvious in his voice.

"Heck yah I do girlfriend!" Voledmort rummaged through his purse. "Drat, wheres my lipgloss!?"

Voldemort dropped his purse and started stomping his feet, tears falling down his face. "Where is my TUTTI FRUTTI LIPGLOSS?!?!"

A crowd started forming around Voldemort and Pettigrew, eyes wide. There were faint sounds of laughing and incoherent mumbling.

"Sir, please get up. You're making a scene." Pettigrew whispered to Voldemort who was currently rocking back and forth in the fetal position.

"NO! I want my tutti frutti." Voldemort whined.

"Sir, here, I'll find it." Pettigrew snatched his purse and looked through it until he came across a smaller purse and opened it. "Sir, It was in your MAKEUP BAG."

"Oh, right. Thats where I put it...OH MY GOSH! My old concealer and lipstick!" Voldemort started rubbing in orange concealer on his pale blue face. Then he took his bright red lipstick and splattered it on his face.

"I am reeeeaadddyy! Lets go to Hogwarts Paulie!" Voldemort sang loudly.

"Pettigrew."

"My names Voldemort, not Pettigrew. ACTUALLY call me Horatio. It sounds sexier."

Voldemort and Pettigrew finally reached Hogwarts somehow.

Voldemort rang the doorbell.

_Ding Dong Dingle Ah Dong Dang Dawg Darg Crikey Mate._

"What an odd doorbell..." Voldemort thought outloud.

Professer Snapes voice appeared out of nowhere. "Who is it?"

"Pizzaman!" Voldemort shouted loudly, not knowing if he could hear him or not.

"Damn fatass Hagrid, first the ChickenMan, then the RavioliGuy, then the AvacadoDude.. now a Pizzaman...." Snape mumbled buzzing Voldemort in.

"Yipee!" Voldemort squeled.

He ran to a tree that was oddly shaped like Harry Potter and casted a Cotton Candy spell on him and ran away giggling, thinking he finally killed Harry.

**Harry POV**

Ron and I were taking a walk around we lake when the saw an ugly creature with a blue body and head, with and orange face with red lipstick running..or skipping to a tree and turning it into cotton candy. He was wearing what looked like Gramama clothes and stripper shoes. After he cast the spell he ran away giggling like a girl.

Ron and I turned to face each other.

"Did you see that?" Ron asked.

"Oh, good. I thought I was going kookoo for cocoa nuts." Harry said a bit relieved.

There was an awkward silence.

Suddenly the monster in the lake randomly pulled Ron in and ate him up. He then spit up a cat.

"Ooooo! Kitty!" Harry ran to the cat and held him in his arms, carressing his ear ever so tenderly.

Harry skipped into the sunset with the kitty while a rainbow appeared above them while bird were chirping along with the harminious music in the backround.

**AN- It was really fun writing this chapter. **

**Next Chapter: Voldemort realized he didnt brush his teeth!**

**Mamma Mia**

**Dentist appointment**

**Run in with Pierre...oooo catfight! :O**


	3. Emo Transformation and Gay Catfights

"Uh sir, you've seem to forgotten to borrow some toothpaste" Pettigrew interuppted Voldemorts gleeful giggles.

"Oh I dont care Piper! I've won! I killed Harry Potter" He shouted at the top of his lungs.

The people sitting on the bus turned to stare at Voldemort.

"Sir, I have to remind you we are in muggle territory. Maybe you could use your inside voice."

Voldemorts eyes widened. Tears began to form , "I...I didnt brush my teeth?"

"...No sir. You didnt borrow any toothpaste like you planned too."

The muggles continued to stare, some entertained, some too scared to look away.

Voldemort lost it, he bawled his eyes out and at one point he cried so much he began to dry heave.

Pettigrew who was already used to Voldemorts little outbursts took out his gameboy colour and began to play "Barbies Genie Adventures".

After 27 minutes of straight out crying the bus driver decided to kick them off.

They stepped off and Voldemort gasped in excitement.

"Petey, this is exactly what I need for my new image!" Voldemort said in awe, adoring the building in front of him.

"What new image?"

"The one that expresses how I feel. My true inner self."

They entered the building and came out new people.

Voldemort was sporting a black wig that covered half his face. He had black eye make-up outlining his eyes. He also had dark blood red lipstick on. He had ripped black skinny jeans on and a MCR band tee.

Pettigrew followed behind looking equally as depressed but had a Pink Hannah Montana backpack.

Voldemort put his head down, hands in pocket and started dragging his feet to the bus stop. When he reached the pole he leaned slightly on it and flipped his hair sighing.

Pettigrew just stood there.

"You know what would really express the darkness of my soul?" Voldemort asked Pettigrew in his most monotonous voice.

"What sir?"

"Starring in a Broadway musical.. -sigh- "

"Ooo, deep sir."

So Voldemort then headed to the Vogue Theatre to try out for the part of Donna in Mamma Mia.

His only competition was Meryl Streep which he thought he could beat easily. They had an intense singing battle to the song 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. Voldemort was bustin out his best moves, groovin to the beat.

Or so he thought.

In reality Voldemort was a gawky uncoordinated dancer with 2 left feet.

His voice wasnt so great either. It sounded like a mixture of a chicken getting plucked and a dying cow.

In the end to much suprise Voldemort did not get the part.

He stormed out of the building.

"I cant _believe_ I didnt get the part. I was 10 times better than the other girl."

Voldemorts rants were soon interuppted by a high pitch squeal and tuts.

"Voldy-baby, zhat 'ave you done to your beautiful locks!"

Voldemort turned around to face a short skinny little guy in a black and white striped t-shirt with a black beret. He had a strong french accent. It was Pierre, his hairdresser.

"Tut-tut, is zat black? You know zat is the worst colour to dye your hair! It never comes out!"

Voldemort was bright red in the face, "Why can't you just accept me for who I am? Why can't you just LOVE ME!"

"I zee 'ow it iz. Im sorry, I cant not love an _ugly _man!" Pierre stuck his nose in the air.

Voldemort could not take anymore of this. First he forgot to brush his teeth, then he doesnt get the part in Mamma Mia and now Pierre doesnt love him anymore.

Voldemort sacked Pierre square on the chin.

There was an awkward silence and Pettigrew slowly pulled Voldemort away from the unconcious french guy on the ground.

They headed toward the Dentists office and when the reached there Voldemort stopped a few feet away and took 3 deep breathes. Hes never not brushed his teeth before an appointment and he was rather disappointed in himself.

Pettigrew rubbed his back consoling him.

Voldemort dramatically looked at Pettigrew and the camera zoomed in quickly for a super close up while he uttered out the following inspirational words.

"Im ready."

Eye of the Tiger started playing in the backround and then many quick cuts of Voldemort brushing his teeth ensued. The music faded and they left the Dentist.

Pettigrew sucking on some sugar free candy decided to say the last dramatic sentence of this chapter.

"I wonder what babies taste like..."

_**WOW, I never thought I would continue this story. Anywho, review please. :)**_


End file.
